Wednesday, March 9, 2011

How to write a bestseller with minimal effort...

Recently I happened to read a wonderful blog post by my blogger friend, in which, after getting inspired by a German bestseller, she was planning to write a book on the life of a cleaning lady. After reading this one, I too felt a sudden urge to be an author of a best seller.

There are many advantages of being a best selling author. You can give your valuable (?) opinion on any matter below the sky- politics, terrorism, fashion, movies- you name it!... Whatever stupidity that you say will have a seal of authenticity. Press wallas will be anxiously waiting for any thing that falls from your lips, that can be put on front page and made a controversy of. Only skill you should have is to tell things that are shocking at face value and by which at least the sentiment of one national party or religion should get wounded. There will be much revolt and bashing against you on media and public, but there is no need to panic, because you will be safe behind the veil of "Freedom of Speech". 

Another best thing is that you can have your book made into a movie. Your celebrity status will touch the sky if it happens. And definitely that low-head who ventures to rewrite your master piece on to celluloid will take some liberties and you can sue him and his producer. Like, in your story, the hero will be riding a vintage Rolls Royce through the streets of Norwegia, but producer, unsuccessful to get hold of the former and unable to locate the latter on an atlas, decides to change it to a Volkswagen in Switzerland.  You can shout on the roof tops that your story is compromised and it is totally butchered. Even if this does not give you an immediate financial gain, because you will surely lose the verdict, as, any judge, who has at least a naya paisa worth grey  cells inside his head (and who is definitely not an avid reader of yours, like millions of like minded public with a sound intelligence), can see through your claim, it can give you much coverage in media and you can always don that victim look. 

But writing a book is not an easy task. It needs at least some minimum effort. From finding a topic, to finally getting a publisher, (this issue does not come if you have a best seller in your name already.) the energy, money and time to spent is huge. You can rent a ghost writer, but shouldering the weight of a ghost throughout your life is not an easy task. What if he blackmails later? (Most probably this will not happen, because if any one claims that he is behind that "obnoxious weed" of a novel, public will take care of him.)

Then I came upon this news story.  A professor in Britain, wrote this book titled, " What Every Man Thinks About Apart From Sex (Blank Inside)", which is 200 pages long, but totally blank! You are not surprised? OK, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking about Lajja (Shame)by Taslima Nasreen. To make record straight, let me clarify. It is not blank as that novel. This one is actually, totally white. Not even an ink stain in any of those 200 pages! The professor painstakingly researched for decades and finally came to the conclusion that men thinks of nothing apart from sex. So he went ahead and "wrote" this masterpiece, which became an instant hit through 

Now the easiest way to make some quick bucks is to translate this book into 56 other languages (like the advertisement for Paulo Coelho's Alchemist). But there is no scope here, because the author is translating the book himself to 56 other languages, with the help of Google translator and he says it is far more difficult than his research of two decades. (When the last update came he is working on 56th translation and plans to google search and find any other language is left.)

But I have certain topics that can be used for writing best sellers like this in an Indian context. "What politicians think, apart from Corruption" will be good for a start. Another one can be  "Harish's Mammoth list of sincere politicians". Equally profitable titles will be 
"Intelligent thoughts of Rakhi Sawant", 
"Aiswarya's Thought worthy quotes", 
"Acting techniques from Fardeen Khan"
"Success story of Piyush Chawla"
"Safe ways of travelling in Bangalore"
.... so on and so forth... 


  1. innovative fact, i am also motivated now to become one such a best-selling writer

  2. That is one hilarious post. Oops! It was meant to be that, right? I mean you seriously are not thinking about writing on these topics, right? :D

    But if you do, do let me know. I am buying a copy.I buy a lot of books with nothing in them as it is. :)

  3. That blew me off. 200 blank pages! and yeah! my doubt is cleared. Men dont think of anything but sex :-)

    Your novel idea of translating the book to other languages is commendable :)

    Let me know if you get hold of a copy of How to travel safe in Bangalore. I badly need one :)

  4. Loved this one !!!
    awesum as always !!!

    Well I think I should also write a book maybe on the topic

    "India a corruption free land"

    and mine will be a 400 pages blank one !!

  5. Ah...I like the idea already! I start today evening...or maybe I do not even need to write anything :)

  6. ha ha ha... well written..i know you were pointing to CB while writing many statements, but I enjoyed reading this

    I think u should also write about the influence of Twitter and getting followers too

  7. Haaahaa..contradicting the quote..there is no short cut to success!!

    Looks like there is, exp with the suggestions you have given!

  8. LOL ! wondeful post...and thanks for thats interesting piece of news, ur ideas are good too. keep it up , i m sure gonna buy that book of urs :P


  9. It is always good to dream! Really like your writing style!

  10. So easy! And I've been toiling for a couple of years to get to the end of 150 pages of fiction.

  11. Harish...Hilarious is the word. And I almost missed it.
    The saddest part is that rarely any publisher looks at your work unless it is 50,000 words ie 250 pages approx. Imagine the pain if that effort goes in the dustbin.Once you become famous everything sells.

    Latest is that Shobha De is writing a book on Kareena Kapoor. And this is true...

  12. I guess fiction wont become a bestseller so I should write something controversial and stupid instead. Btw, thanks for the idea! :P

  13. Ouch!!! Pwahaha..that was one hilariously sarcastic post.

    I should start writing a book. The topic will be "clueless"

    New in here btw. do check out my blog. :)We from the same place i see.

  14. This provides a lot of "insights". :D

  15. interesting
    read enjoyed it fully

  16. Hey Harish,
    u mite find this interesting ;)

  17. I like the British bestseller already...he proved my pet theory right... ;P
    My bestseller would be more on the lines of Indian writers...take the skeletons from the closet of your extended family and a salsa dip and some Worcestershire sauce ad lo atleast a nominee for the Booker ready...
    like your subtle sarcastic style of writing...

  18. I really thought you were joking about that book until I found that in google. OMG! Super cool book!

    Very optimistic post for many of the bloggers to jump to a book author;) Njoyable writing style you have Harish!

  19. Amazing post!!! :D You really cracked me up!!
    "Now the easiest way to make some quick bucks is to translate this book into 56 other languages"

    :D :D Loved this, great post, again!

  20. have you read Lajja? i have and I think it depicts the truth the way nobody has done.

  21. This one is rele good :).. Humourous take on a nice topic..Especially loved the last few lines and that Volkswagen episode.. :)

  22. I have devoted some time for this idea of writing a book. I start to write,1 page, 2 page....Sve it on google docs, forget about it...About 5 such plots await my return to be throned as the bestselling author of the decade(at least)!

  23. Ha ! Ha ! Your sense of sarcasm is sharp !!